|Steve A.||1/11/2015 12:45 AM|
|How about a thread devoted to humor?|
I'll start it off with this one...
That's from George Takei's Facebook page. Yeah, the guy from Star Trek. BTW I did a site search for threads with "humor" in the title and found exactly 3 of them, all of which were several years old. I can stickify this if there is sufficient demand...
|dai h.||1/11/2015 2:41 AM|
|maybe he needs to do a better job of selling himself by getting footage for youtube and giving it a moniker like "crimeart" or "crimeart/comedy ('crimardy'?)"|
|Chuck H||1/11/2015 6:32 AM|
|Ok... I'll play.|
|dai h.||1/11/2015 10:38 PM|
Like the Batman, lol.
|tedmich||1/12/2015 10:22 AM|
|tedmich||1/12/2015 4:33 PM|
|Steve A.||1/12/2015 6:33 PM|
|Steve A.||1/12/2015 6:38 PM|
|TomCarlos||1/12/2015 6:45 PM|
|Sure you can jam with my band... and here is a guitar cord for you. :-)|
|Tom Phillips||1/12/2015 6:57 PM|
|Tom Phillips||1/12/2015 7:00 PM|
|Subject: IRS AND OLD PEOPLE|
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead..'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!!!
|The Dude||1/12/2015 9:24 PM|
|If Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber were drowning in a swimming pool and you could only save one of them,................................................... .................................|
what kind of sandwich would you make?
|The Dude||1/12/2015 9:40 PM|
|I give to you this article.|
Drunken trombone-playing clown fires gun from garage, police say | MLive.com
Sometimes reality is funnier than any joke you could imagine.
|Chuck H||1/12/2015 10:48 PM|
|Chuck H||1/12/2015 10:50 PM|
|Leo_Gnardo||1/13/2015 5:51 AM|
|Mark Hammer||1/13/2015 5:55 AM|
|My all-time favourite Far Side cartoon. Never fails to make me smile.|
|Jazz P Bass||1/13/2015 6:37 AM|
|Anyone seen Edgar?|
|Jazz P Bass||1/13/2015 6:39 AM|
|tedmich||1/13/2015 7:15 AM|
|here is a photo that shows the bad legs that keep Peyton from another SB ring|
apparently he's getting at least one replaced
|Steve A.||1/13/2015 3:41 PM|
|Steve A.||1/13/2015 3:44 PM|
|Mark Hammer||1/13/2015 6:07 PM|
|I too lament the disappearance of The FarSide from the landscape.|
These days, I look forward to a strip called Get Fuzzy ( Get Fuzzy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia ). Imagine that Garfield was written by a doctoral student in philosophy and linguistics. Takes a bit to get into, but packed with great puns and verbal misunderstandings, in addition to plenty of British and Canadian references. (the human character in the strip appears to be of British heritage and grew up partly in Canada, though he currently resides in Kentucky). The principle character - a Siamese named Bucky Katt - stands in for every stubborn pigheaded ignorant know-it-all you've ever met. He thinks he's brilliant but is usually worng and just doesn't quite get it. There is a little bit of Stephen Colbert in him, too. His flat-mate, Satchel the dog, is maybe not every dog but a rather large swathe of them. He is ever-hopeful, always feeling a little guilty about something (which he has probably forgotten but retains the guilt...just in case) and smart, of a sort, but easily duped. He is also a slave to his uncontrollable habits, including eating the inedible, and being a gullible and willing volunteer for almost all of Bucky's schemes. The human, Rob, is a bit of a ne'er-do-well bachelor, who is perpetually abused by Bucky.
Recommended, although as a running daily series, each day's segment does not necessarily stand on its own.
|Leo_Gnardo||1/13/2015 7:04 PM|
|A Far Side to make our Texan friends proud. Somebody please show me how to put it up Texas size, how ya do that?|
Somebody must have the Far Side that has the sound technician at his console with the band on stage, he's about to push the "suck" knob. That one's become an industry standard.
|Chuck H||1/13/2015 8:25 PM|
|In keeping with the Larson theme I scanned a page from a book I use to read to my daughter that's written by him called There's A Hair In My Dirt.|
|Audiotexan||1/14/2015 12:00 AM|
(it's actually a TRS with white spacers)
|Audiotexan||1/14/2015 12:40 AM|
|It's an oldie... but it still cracks me up!|
A Boy and his train!
A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening to her small son playing with his new electric train in the adjoining room.
She heard the train stop and the son said "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last stop ... and all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the goddamn train 'cause we're leaving."
The mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your bedroom for two hours and think about what you said and when you come out, you may play with your train again, but I want you to use much nicer language."
Two hours later the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all your belongings with you. Thank you for travelling with us today and we hope you will travel with us again soon. For those of you just boarding, we ask you to place all of your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope that you will have a pleasant
and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"
|Jazz P Bass||1/14/2015 7:24 AM|
|I have this taped to the front of my bass amp.|
|Leo_Gnardo||1/14/2015 7:37 AM|
Foreign hunters on safari, day after day they hear jungle drums, the sound never stops. Big hunter asks his guide "Drums driving me crazy, all day and night, do they ever stop?" Guide answers "Better hope drums never stop, bwana. If drums stop then comes bass solo."
|Chuck H||1/14/2015 8:03 AM|
|Ok... How about a "drummer joke"? You know, like "What do you call a guy that hangs out with musicians?" Yuk, Yuk.|
What's the difference between a drummer and a monkey?
One lives in the jungle banging on rocks with sticks and the other is a f@#king moron.
|tedmich||1/14/2015 8:37 AM|
|Chuck H||1/14/2015 8:50 AM|
|In case y'all can't read that bumper sticker:|
|Bill Moore||1/14/2015 9:40 AM|
|The old blind cowboy came into town, and stopped at the waterings hole. Unknown to him, it was now a female biker bar. He tells the bartender to get him a drink, and then says."did you hear about the blonde who", and was interupted by a woman at the bar. "I can see you're blind, but I'm blonde, and am an ex Marine, the bartender is blonde, and is a body builder, and the blonde girl at the pool table is a Karate instructor, are you sure you want to tell that joke?" "Well I recon not, not if I'm gonna have to explain it and all!"|
|Leo_Gnardo||1/14/2015 1:35 PM|
|What's perfect pitch? When you heave an accordion into a dumpster and it lands square on a banjo. |
Little Jimmy: "I wanna be a drummer when I grow up!"
Little Jimmy's mom: "Pick one or the other, you can't do both."
Next, photos from an actual local Craigslist ad, don't look if you're drinking anything, it may come out your nose.
|Chuck H||1/14/2015 4:49 PM|
|You can always gauge a drummers experience level by how fast he drinks his lunch.|
|The Dude||1/14/2015 6:12 PM|
|Chuck H||1/14/2015 6:23 PM|
|A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.|
The bartender looks up and says "Is this some kinda joke?"
|Chuck H||1/14/2015 6:27 PM|
|Why don't sharks eat clowns?|
Because they taste funny.
|Chuck H||1/14/2015 6:30 PM|
|A guy calls the hospital:|
Guy: My wife is having a baby. The contractions are one minute apart. What should I do?
Nurse: Is this her first child?
Guy: No! This is her husband you idiot!
|Chuck H||1/14/2015 6:55 PM|
|Best told with an Irish accent.|
Poor old Shamus O'Mally...
Sitting at the end of the bar by himself lamenting to the bar tender:
I help to build the greatest bridge in Ireland. Do they call me Shamus the bridge builder? No.
I volunteer at the shelter. Do they call me Shamus the kind? No.
I rebuilt the school house after the fire so the wee children could learn! Do they call me Shamus the good!?! NO!
But fuck one goat...
|g1||1/14/2015 8:08 PM|
|View full screen or in new tab if possible|
|Chuck H||1/14/2015 8:21 PM|
|There was a dog in that photo?|
|Leo_Gnardo||1/14/2015 8:23 PM|
|Leo_Gnardo||1/14/2015 8:33 PM|
|Leo_Gnardo||1/14/2015 8:41 PM|
|The Dude||1/14/2015 10:28 PM|
|3 likes for that one Leo. One for the dog and the other two for..............................well, you know.|
|Audiotexan||1/14/2015 10:39 PM|
|Audiotexan||1/14/2015 10:48 PM|
I blame the dog pic for bringing me here. ;P
|Audiotexan||1/14/2015 10:50 PM|
|A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.|
As the panda starts to leave, the bartender shouts, "Hey! You just shot my waiter, and you didn't pay for your sandwich!!"
As he's walking out the door, the panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a panda! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition: "Panda: a large mammal of Asian origin, distinguished by prominent black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
|Audiotexan||1/14/2015 11:13 PM|
|A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." |
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee,then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
|Audiotexan||1/14/2015 11:38 PM|
|Last one for tonight... I reckon Steve A will find this particularly enjoyable. |
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
#2 Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
#3 We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
#4 The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
#5 And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep "shit".
|potatofarmer||1/15/2015 6:27 AM|
|How do you know there's a drummer at your door?|
-The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know when to come in.
How do you get a guitarist to play more slowly?
-Put sheet music in front of him.
How do you get him to stop?
-Put notes on it.
How many rhythm guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
-One, but the lead guitarist has to show him how first.
Timmy's dad gets him a bass guitar for Christmas, and the music store includes four free lessons.
Timmy comes back from his first lesson - "It was great, I learned the first four notes on the E string!"
A week later, Timmy comes back from his second lesson -"This time I learned the first four notes on the A string!"
A week later, Timmy comes home and his dad asks how the lesson went. "Oh, I didn't go. I had a gig!"
|Chuck H||1/15/2015 6:35 AM|
|Q: How many lead guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?|
One to screw in the light bulb and nine to watch and say they could have done it better.
|Leo_Gnardo||1/15/2015 6:49 AM|
|New kid in the neighborhood spent the last couple hours playing with Juniior. Now he's gone home and Junior asks Mom "where did I come from?" Fearing Junior's just heard a lot of disinformation, Mom gives him the whole lecture, the birds & the bees, fallopian tubes, DNA, the whole schmear. After a while Junior's eyes look a bit glazed, then he goes back to his favorite activity, pushing his toy bulldozer around the sandbox. Later on, Dad comes home and after dinner Mom hears Junior ask Dad "where did I come from?" Expecting to give a similar lecture, Dad asks "why do you need to know?" Junior replied "My new friend Looie who just moved in up the street came from Poughkeepsie. So, where did I come from?"|
- - - - - - - -
audiotexan - the leopard print head velvet bassman (grill too) was in Mid-Hudson Craigslist. Reminds me of the Dylan song "how does your head feel wearing something like that, a leopard skin pillbox hat"
|Leo_Gnardo||1/15/2015 6:58 AM|
|How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?|
Twenty. One to change the bulb, and nineteen to stand around and talk about how Steve Gadd would have done it.
- - - - - - - -
How many record producers does it take to change a light bulb?
I dunno, what do you think?
- - - - - - - -
How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, they hold the bulb up and the world spins around him (or her.)
- - - - - - - - - -
How many guitar amp techs does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. What's the big deal? See, done already.
|Silvertone Jockey||1/15/2015 6:59 AM|
|So Loraina Bobbit was driving from the seen of John Wayne Bobbit's tragic dismemberment in her convertible when she decided she better get rid of Wayne's no longer attached privet part, so she grabbed it and chucked it over her shoulder, where it flew and landed on the windshield of the the car behind her. The startled driver quickly turned on the wipers to remove the very unusual road debris from the windshield.|
Driving the car was a father and his grade school aged daughter sat beside him in the front seat. Anyway the girl turned to the father and asked "Daddy what was that? Caught of guard he father replied "nothing honey it was just a bug" The girl got thoughtful for a few seconds and then turned and said......
Boy .........that bug sure had a big d#ck
|tedmich||1/15/2015 7:48 AM|
|Q: How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb?|
A: That's not funny!
|Mark Hammer||1/15/2015 11:17 AM|
|dai h.||1/17/2015 3:08 AM|
|Tom Phillips||1/17/2015 11:29 AM|
|Please fill out our survey form.[ATTACH=CONFIG]32472[/ATTACH]|
|Mark Hammer||1/17/2015 11:48 AM|
For the unfamiliar, try and imagine an Indo-British production of "In Living Color" or Key and Peele.
|tedmich||1/17/2015 12:06 PM|
|How about the drummer who kept getting fired for having bad time. |
He became so depressed that he went to the railroad tracks and threw himself behind a train.
|dai h.||1/17/2015 2:03 PM|
|yeah. Great great show. Another one!|
|Paleo Pete||1/18/2015 12:48 PM|
|Grandpa was 80 and went to the doctor for his regular check up. Everything looked good, and the doctor gave him a little bottle and told him to bring in a sperm sample. So home he went. |
A couple of days later he showed up at the doctor's office with an empty bottle, Doc asked him what happened...
Well Doc, he said, I tried with my right hand, tried with my left hand, no luck, so I got my wife. She tried with her left hand, tried with her right, even tried with her teeth, no luck. So we got the next door neighbor's wife, and she tried with her left hand, tried with her right, even tried with...
Doc was freakin out and stopped him there...your neighbor's WIFE????
Yeah Doc, no matter what we did we couldn't get the damn bottle open...
|Paleo Pete||1/18/2015 12:54 PM|
|OK one more. I wish I could dig out my folder, I have dozens of these printed out from emails years ago. Unfortunately I can't remember most...|
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out on the prairie one night. Tonto woke the Lone Ranger up around 2AM...
What's wrong Tonto?
Kemosabe (a name they made up, there is no such word in any Native American language) Look up. What you see?
I see millions of stars...
What that mean to you Kemosabe?
Well, astronomically it means there are millions of stars and galaxies out there.
Mathematically it means there's little chance we are the only life in the universe.
Astrologically it means Leo is rising.
Meteorologically it means tomorrow should be a fine day.
He gazed a few moments and asked...What does it mean to you Tonto?
Tonto shook his head...
Kemosabe, you dumb as a buffalo chip, it mean someone stole tent!
|Jazz P Bass||1/18/2015 2:02 PM|
|Another Lone Ranger joke.|
(A bit off color though.)
"The Lone Ranger is relieving himself & a rattlesnack strikes & bites him in the we*ner.
So he sends Tonto to the doctor to find out what they should do.
Tonto rides into town to the doctor & tells him what happened.
So the doctor replies:"You have to make a small incision at the bite & suck out the venom."
So Tonto goes back & the Lone Ranger, who is lying on the ground writhing in agony, says to him "What did he say! What did the doc say?"
Tonto replies:" He say you going to die Kemosabe."
|Bill Moore||1/19/2015 4:31 PM|
|The old cowboy was sitting in the bar when a young lady came in and sat beside him. "Are you a real cowboy", she asked? "He said he was, all day fixing fences, tending to the cows, and taking care of the ranch". |
"What are you", he asked. "Well I'm a lesbian, all the time I think about women, their naked bodies, and how much I enjoy being with them".
After she left a fellow came in and sat next to the old cowboy, and asked him if he was a real cowboy. He said "I used to think I was, but I found out today, that I was a lesbian!"
|Chuck H||1/19/2015 7:14 PM|
|Two good 'ol southern boys, Bob and Earl, are sitting on the porch. It's too hot for work so their just watching the grass turn brown...|
Bob: Well how 'bout a game then?
Earl: Whatcha got?
Bob: I sawr it on the TV. It's called 20 questions.
Earl: Well how d'ya play it?
Bob: I thinka somthin' an you get ta ask up ta 20 questions fore gessin'.
Earl: Aright then. Ya thinkin' a somthin'?
Bob thinks on it for a second and the first thing that comes to his mind is donkey dick.
Bob: Yeah. You go ahead.
Earl: Ok then... Kin ya eat it?
Bob: (thinks for a moment) Well... Yeah. I spose.
Earl: (thinks for a moment) Is it donkey dick?
|The Dude||1/19/2015 8:04 PM|
|One day, while driving along, a blonde sees another blonde in the middle of a wheat field rowing a boat. She stops, gets out of the car, and shouts to the blonde in the middle of the field, "It's blondes like you that give all of us a bad name and, if I could swim, I would come over there and kick your ass!"|
|The Dude||1/19/2015 8:17 PM|
|Another one brought to you by the fine state of South Dakota. This is actually real. |
South Dakota Yanks ?Don't Jerk & Drive? Campaign -- NYMag
|potatofarmer||1/20/2015 6:34 AM|
|Here's one that everyone at MEF should be able to guess the punchline of...|
What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
|Mark Hammer||1/20/2015 6:46 AM|
|My wife sent me this list of lines from Phyllis Diller that a co-worker sent her:|
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
|Chuck H||1/20/2015 10:09 AM|
|Nothing funny in this post. I just want to comment on the Phyllis Diller quotes.|
Everyone complains about modern television broadcasting offering a million things to watch and none of it being what you want to see. Not exactly "TV's not as good as it use to be." but pretty close. Of course when you look at older TV broadcasting, with only six channels and three of them airing Happy Days back to back with Lavern and Shirley reruns, it was pretty bad a lot of the time. We watched it anyway. What older broadcasting had that we lack today though were these exceptional and witty personalities. And we watched them every chance we got because it was good, funny and sometimes insightful programming we could identify with. It felt closer to home and more personal. Sure there are some modern celebrity personalities. A couple are pretty good too, but nothing like the way it was and too often shadowed by the Kim Kardashian's, Donald Trump's and Guy Fieri's. I know the broadcast industry is just giving the universal "us" what we want. In my opinion we should choose better because we lost something, somehow getting to where we are.
|Leo_Gnardo||1/20/2015 11:20 AM|
|What's the definition of a gentleman? A guy who knows how to play bagpipes*, but doesn't.|
*substitute your choice of instrument: viola, banjo, accordion, trombone, drums, saxophone etc.
|dai h.||1/21/2015 2:44 PM|
|have you discovered...|
the secret of musically gifted electrons?
|The Dude||1/21/2015 5:31 PM|
|dmartn149||1/21/2015 9:56 PM|
|You CAN'T make fun of him. He has a picture of himself looking into a microscope!|
|Chuck H||1/22/2015 2:49 AM|
Yes. I know. I did it on purpose.
|tedmich||1/22/2015 7:35 AM|
|Bill Moore||1/22/2015 9:16 AM|
|I'm leaving the screws I have in my old Garrard turntable! |
I personally can't hear any difference between a $50 guitar cord, and a $10 one, so I doubt I could detect the type of fastener used to mount the cartrige. (However if the change would take some of the noise out of my 40+ year old LP's it would be worth a try!)
|Chuck H||1/22/2015 12:32 PM|
|I have a bunch of NOS screws from various Fender and Marshall amps if anyone is interested. Distressed finish too|
|Tom Phillips||1/22/2015 7:26 PM|
|g1||1/23/2015 9:48 AM|
|Chuck H||1/23/2015 12:45 PM|
|Slow commute. Funny.|
I use to keep chickens. Now I live in town and though I can legally have some it's considered bad form. This yard is no good for it too. I really miss them. And the eggs too.
|Audiotexan||1/24/2015 9:53 PM|
|Audiotexan||1/24/2015 9:58 PM|
|Audiotexan||1/24/2015 10:09 PM|
|And now for something completely different. Rednecks.|
Yes. They're even in "yankee land"!
You don't have to pray the air stays in, they already did!
If they'd only come here first...
|Leo_Gnardo||1/25/2015 6:36 AM|
|Hows about a redneck hedge trimmer:|
|Leo_Gnardo||1/25/2015 6:52 AM|
|They get out on the water too - redneck houseboat. Looks like fun, long as the wind don't kick up.|
|Leo_Gnardo||1/25/2015 6:58 AM|
|Of course our redneck friends have remarkable culinary skillls, in the kitchen and on the barbeque, plus an alternate food pyramid.|
|Leo_Gnardo||1/25/2015 7:09 AM|
|Or redneck friends have remarkable culinary skills, in the kitchen and at the barbeque. Plus an alternate food pyramid. It's all good, chow down folks!|
|Leo_Gnardo||1/25/2015 7:15 AM|
|Whoa Vern, they even got - - - computers! A guide:|
|Leo_Gnardo||1/25/2015 7:39 AM|
|Fun for all ages at the mall, and a store for every one of your needs.|
|Leo_Gnardo||1/25/2015 7:52 AM|
|Time for Sunday funnies, almost forgot - in case you missed this classic last October 14.|
|Mark Hammer||1/27/2015 7:46 AM|
|Courtesy of my wife, though doubtless the person who sent it to her got it from somewhere else:|
Laws not taught in Physics...
1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena -At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13.Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. (So that explains it!!!)
16.Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew. Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet!
|Steve A.||1/27/2015 10:37 PM|
There are a lot of great TV shows that never made it to DVD like the John Larroquette Show from the mid-90's with a really good ensemble cast. Here is the Pilot... the first season was pretty dark but they lightened it up a bit in the last 3 seasons.
The John Larroquette Show 101_Pilot - Video Dailymotion
|Steve A.||1/27/2015 10:38 PM|
There are a lot of great TV shows that never made it to DVD like the John Larroquette Show from the mid-90's with a really good ensemble cast. Here is the Pilot... the first season had some pretty dark humor but they lightened it up a bit in the last 2 1/2 seasons when Alison LaPlaca joined the cast as John's next door neighbor and (spoiler alert!) girlfriend.
Although it was never released on DVD some diehard fan(s) recorded most of the shows on VHS tape and uploaded them to the internet. I don't think of that as being piracy because there is no interest in releasing the shows on DVD and they haven't been in syndication since 2005. I think of it as being more like the Library of Congress, preserving a very important part of our TV heritage. (I would rate this show as being funnier than Seinfeld.)
|Paleo Pete||1/28/2015 12:16 PM|
|Some Steven Wright one liners...I don't know how he does it, but he delivers these onstage completely slow, quiet, so deadpan it's unreal...|
If you had everything...where would you put it?
Why is it you can tell people there are a billion stars in the galaxy and they'll believe it, but if you put up a wet paint sigh they have to touch it to see?
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
What is the speed of dark?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
|Chuck H||1/28/2015 12:37 PM|
|I've always enjoyed Steven Wright. One of my favorites:|
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
|dai h.||1/28/2015 1:16 PM|
|was there a silly cat video yet? Well, if there werenottedd...|
|dmartn149||1/29/2015 9:20 PM|
|Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?|
He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
|dmartn149||2/4/2015 9:14 AM|
|The Dude||2/11/2015 8:56 PM|
|A woman gets into a really bad car accident.|
The husband rushes from work over to the hospital.
The doctor comes out.
He says, "Sorry, it's really bad news.
Your wife was in a horrible car accident.
Her face and body are totally mangled.
She'll be crippled and paralyzed from the neck down.
She's gonna need 24-hour care and your insurance is not going to pay for it.
You're going to have to wash her, feed her, keep turning her over in case she gets bedsores, and rub ointment on her.
And, you'll have to change her constantly 'cause she'll have no control over her bladder or bowels.”
The man breaks down crying.
And the doctor says,
"I'm just f’n with ya............ She's dead."
|Chuck H||2/12/2015 12:44 AM|
|I love an off color joke better than most I guess. I don't think most here endorse them in keeping with good taste whether they like them or not. Poor old Shamus O'Mally didn't get one like and that joke kills at parties. So does donkey dick and that didn't do well either.|
|Chuck H||2/12/2015 12:53 AM|
|Ok... Here's one that only a little off color. And I'm always surprised by how many people don't know it.|
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog "licking" himself in a yard. One guy looks to the other and says "Boy, I wish I could do that." The other guy says "Maybe if you pet him first."
|dmartn149||3/18/2015 8:54 PM|
|This made me laugh out loud. |
Distractify | Pained Faces Of Soloing Rockstars Make A Lot More Sense With Giant Slugs
|Bill Moore||3/19/2015 2:22 PM|
|Two novice females golfers were on the links enjoying a game, when one knocked a ball off of a tree. To her horror, a group were at the cup, and one fellow doubled over holding his hands between his legs. She ran over to the man, and said "I'm a licensed nurse, and I can help". She moved his hands, and loosened his pants, and started massaging his private parts. She asked "isn't that better", he said, "it feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken"!|
|Bill Moore||6/11/2015 9:37 AM|
|I went to the VA clinic yesterday for a checkup, and got this one.|
Eighty-five year old Miss Bea, the church organist, had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness, and kindness to all
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! Imagine his surprise and shock. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped, or something.
When she returned with tea, and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and it's strange contents. but soon it got the better of him, and he could no longer resist. Pointing to the bowl, he asked, "Miss Bea, I wonder if you would tell me about this."
"Oh yes", she replied, "Isn't it just wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"
|Bill Moore||6/11/2015 9:37 AM|
|I went to the VA clinic yesterday for a checkup, and got this one. Eighty-five year old Miss Bea, the church organist, had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness, and kindness to all The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! Imagine his surprise and shock. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped, or something. When she returned with tea, and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and it's strange contents. but soon it got the better of him, and he could no longer resist. Pointing to the bowl, he asked, "Miss Bea, I wonder if you would tell me about this." "Oh yes", she replied, "Isn't it just wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"|
|Mark Hammer||6/11/2015 1:08 PM|
|This one is true.|
About 25 years back, I was teaching at a small university, near one coast, while my wife was finishing up her master's thesis on the other. She had our 4 year-old son during the autumn semester, while I got established, and then I came and got him during the Christmas break so she could hunker down and finish. My students knew that I was a functional single parent at that point.
One morning after I started my new regimen, between getting my son ready for daycare, and rushing off to a departmental meeting, I had to skip breakfast. When the meeting finally ended, around 10:30, I hustled off to finally get something from the cafeteria. I knew they shut down between 10:45 and 11:30, to change over from the breakfast crowd to the lunchtime crowd, so I didn't have much time to snag some breakfast. Quite honestly, starting the day off with salad wasn't going to cut it.
As I was exiting the building where my department was, I spied some baskets of Ovation dinner mints in the lobby. At least that's what they looked like; little individually-wrapped discs in dark shiny packaging about an inch and a half across. "Thank goodness!", I thought. I love those little chocolate-mint things, and I was SO hungry at that point. There didn't seem to be any takers, so as the throngs of students rushed past me to get to their classes, I quickly reached for the basket to grab a fistful.
Then I looked up to see the sign above that read "World AIDS Awareness Day". I slowly moved my hand back, hoping none of my students saw me eagerly attempting to scoop up a pile of something that, as far as they knew, I did not have any present use for (and I certainly had no reputation among them as an artisan of balloon animals).
I was so disappointed. I really really wanted them to be chocolate mints!
|Leo_Gnardo||6/11/2015 1:45 PM|
|Heard on the radio a couple weeks ago:|
Those who know about the activities of lobbyists cannot reasonably compare the making of laws with the manufacture of sausages. When you make sausages, you KNOW those pigs are not coming back.
|Tom Phillips||2/13/2016 2:03 PM|
|A set of one liners|
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
|Steve A.||2/20/2016 12:19 PM|
|This week's Non Sequitur comic strips taking on science deniers...|
|tedmich||3/1/2016 1:58 AM|
this was apparently a photoshop effort made by someone to mock a legit free Clist Portland Ad... too much free time!
|g1||3/1/2016 11:31 AM|
|Some of the Brits here may be familiar with this company:|
|tedmich||3/1/2016 11:36 AM|
|Germans have this company|
|tedmich||3/1/2016 12:19 PM|
Your great story reminded me of an experience I also had teaching under difficult circumstances
Having begun my day by giving an 8AM lecture I had almost no time to grab a mid day stimulant beverage before sprinting to the lab class I taught that ended at 9PM.
Sitting momentarily in the student union I had the warm 24 oz energy drink in my hand when I groggily remembered the limited solubility of Guarana & Taurine that resulted in a powdery precipitate in this caffeine chocked beverage. Because of this I always ritualistically shook the bottle for a good 10 sec before pounding it through the ridiculously large orifice the jumbo bottle provided.
Remembering very little of the past several hours, much less the previous 30 seconds when I had removed the bottle's cap, I gave it a powerful shake, depositing at least half of the bottles contents on my head in one refreshing SPLASH! The students surrounding me were all quite amused.
The thick syrupy room temperature beverage had solidified to a sticky lump in the summer heat by the time I made it to the bathroom to rinse my head repeatedly and dry it under the hand blower.
I made it to lab with no time to spare and nothing to drink for the next 6 hours.
|tedmich||3/2/2016 5:16 PM|
|tedmich||3/8/2016 9:29 PM|
|A joke school form circulated at a US School which mocks bullying|
|Chuck H||3/8/2016 10:22 PM|
|tedmich||3/9/2016 11:25 AM|
|Here is the manifesto of the Crazy guy (Kyle Odom) who shot the Pastor in Idaho and then threw stuff over the White House fence|
"My life was ruined. Ruined by an intelligent species of amphibian-humanoid from Mars"
yet another person driven crazy by the biosciences....my field
A shorter read than Unibomber, schizophrenia is not very funny also...
|Richard||3/9/2016 12:47 PM|
|The reptilian theory is more popular than you want to believe:|
12 Million Americans Believe Lizard People Run Our Country - The Wire
|Steve A.||3/9/2016 12:56 PM|
|Steve A.||3/18/2016 1:06 AM|
|Boston Mayor Throws Out First Punch At St. Patrick?s Day Parade - The Onion - America's Finest News Source|
|Tom Phillips||3/18/2016 7:52 AM|
|überfuzz||3/18/2016 12:16 PM|
|What do you get if you drop a piano down a mining shaft?|
|Chuck H||3/18/2016 10:32 PM|
In the book there's a segment with random questions. In response to "Could you survive a tidal wave by submerging yourself in a pool?" his response was:
|tedmich||3/19/2016 1:15 AM|
|Q Where did the intellectual French Porn actress go to school?|
A She studied at the Sorbone!
Q What did Lot's wife slip in on her way out of Gomorrah?
|Tom Phillips||3/19/2016 4:41 PM|
|A friend set a goal for 2016 to lose just 10 pounds. I asked how it was going and he said "good, only 15 to go." |
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
I love being over 50. I learn something new every day.......and forget 5 others.
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
|Richard||3/19/2016 9:22 PM|
|I should just print that out and carry it around. Then when someone has a bad idea I can make my point effectively.|
|tedmich||4/6/2016 10:12 AM|
|Janet Jackson (50 in May) is delaying her "Unbreakable" Tour because "she and her husband are planning their family and that she is under doctor's orders to rest." |
Janet Jackson delays tour, says she's planning family - CBS News
The Tours sponsor (Durex Condoms) is reportedly backing out, while Jackson insists that she'd never pull out completely.
|tedmich||4/6/2016 10:12 AM|
|Janet Jackson (50 in May) is delaying her "Unbreakable" Tour because "she and her husband are planning their family and that she is under doctor's orders to rest." [url]http://www.cbsnews.com/news/janet-jackson-delays-tour-says-shes-planning-family/[/url] The Tours sponsor (Durex Condoms) is reportedly backing out, while Jackson insists that she's never pull out completely.|
|tedmich||4/8/2016 6:28 PM|
|here is a southern "street fighter" trying his hand at actual boxing|
|Bill Moore||4/8/2016 6:42 PM|
|If he was a "real" street fighter, he would kick in the head, and then climb on!|
|GroovyJohnny||4/10/2016 2:44 PM|
|Steve A.||4/20/2016 9:50 AM|
|In tribute to the recently departed... Merle Haggard doing impersonations (Marty Robbins, Hank Snow, Buck Owens, Johnny Cash)|
|tedmich||5/29/2016 1:06 AM|
|Pretty funny vanity plate|
of course its only really funny the way the guy mounted it, upside down.
|tedmich||5/30/2016 8:05 PM|
|Steve A.||7/17/2016 11:21 PM|
|Death and Stupidity...|
|Steve A.||7/18/2016 4:08 PM|
|Steve A.||7/20/2016 1:02 PM|
|Steve A.||8/4/2016 1:08 PM|
|Steve A.||8/12/2016 3:08 AM|
|Funny as all heck with Nick Offerman from Parks and Recreation as The Voice... |
|Tom Phillips||9/16/2016 3:32 PM|
|Next Big Trend in Music|
Next Big Trend in Music
|tedmich||10/8/2016 12:42 PM|
|Chuck H||10/9/2016 6:34 AM|
|Nothing funny in this post, but...|
Lily Tomlin was a forerunner in the monologue style comedy routine, and damn good at it. She's been doing mostly TV and movies through the most successful part of her career but for reasons known only to her she decided to resurrect her stage show and go back out on the road. When I saw she was booked at a local venue I immediately checked on tickets. $355.00!!! Sorry Lily. Going miss it this time.
|tedmich||10/9/2016 8:53 AM|
|tedmich||10/12/2016 9:59 PM|
|Tom Phillips||10/16/2016 9:05 AM|
|When Ole moved he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his town of all Catholics. The neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday, since they couldn't eat meat on Friday. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors went over to talk to Ole, eventually persuading him to join their church. The priest had Ole kneel. He said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some holy water over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"|
The following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again that aroma of grilled deer steaks coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying: "You were born a whitetail, you were raised a whitetail, and now," he said as he sprinkled seasoning salt over the choice tenderloin cut,"now you are a walleye!"
|rjb||10/16/2016 7:29 PM|
How do you "sprinkle" incense from this thing?
|Steve A.||10/17/2016 2:51 PM|
|Doonesbury: The Return to Ronald Reagan's Brain (March 1987) Week One|
WEEK TWO TO FOLLOW!
|Steve A.||10/17/2016 3:26 PM|
|Doonesbury: The Return to Ronald Reagan's Brain (March 1987) Week Two|
|Leo_Gnardo||10/17/2016 5:47 PM|
|Good series Steve! I'm enjoying this trip to the not so distant past. I dunno if the following was a Doonesburyism but it sure described the situation: "What did President Reagan know, and when did he forget it?"|
|dmartn149||10/22/2016 10:05 AM|
|Steve A.||10/26/2016 9:05 AM|
|One of the sites with the strictest rules on passwords is USPS where you need at least one number, an upper case and lower case letter and TWO special characters... sheesh! All that just to order free shipping boxes... |
|Mark Hammer||10/26/2016 12:56 PM|
|The Beaverton is Canada's answer to The Onion. I got one serious spew-all-over-my-keyboard guffaw out of this Beaverton review of Leonard Cohen's latest album. Make sure you have a change of clothing at the ready.:|
|Mark Hammer||10/28/2016 12:53 PM|
|Gotta love it.|
|Chuck H||10/29/2016 8:29 AM|
|I love Halloween. When my daughter was young we lived in a neighborhood with a lot of other kids. Loads of fun decorating with grave stones, cauldrons bubbling with dry ice, etc. I use to dress up like a scare crow. Gunny sack mask, sunglasses to hide my eyes, gloves to hide my hands, straw poking out of my sleeves, etc. Then I'd stand in the yard with a stick duct taped to my back so it looked like I was propped up and stand real still. It's a good setup for scaring the hell out people. Here's some pics I liked.|
|Mark Hammer||10/29/2016 2:17 PM|
|Our younger son was a huge Sims fan. Several years ago he took a few hangers, coated them in something green, perched just above his head and went as a Sims character with a plumb-bob. Not many people got it, but those who did loved it.|
|The Dude||11/2/2016 4:20 PM|
|eschertron||11/2/2016 6:19 PM|
Now Hayseed Dixie's bluegrass version was pretty killer! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAWl5peI8HY
|The Dude||11/2/2016 8:59 PM|
|Chuck H||11/2/2016 10:23 PM|
|The Dude||11/2/2016 10:30 PM|
|I won't clutter up the place with more shittyflute videos (there's a bunch), but if you do see the humor in it, check out the one for "Earth Wind and Fire- September" on YouTube. It cracked me up, anyway.|
|Paleo Pete||11/3/2016 9:57 AM|
Do you drink beer?
How many beers a day?
Usually about 3
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
And how long have you been drinking?
About 20 years, I suppose
So a beer costs $5.00 and You have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Do you drink beer?
Where's your Ferrari?
|Mark Hammer||11/3/2016 10:27 AM|
|My wife sent me this list today, forwarded to her by a former coworker:|
20 Best One-Liner Jokes.
1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
3. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
4. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
5. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
6. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
7. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
8. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
9. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
10. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
11. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
12. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
13. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.
14. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
15. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
16. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
17. People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
18. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
19. Whiteboards are remarkable.
20. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
|eschertron||11/6/2016 8:21 PM|
analog versus digital
|Steve A.||11/19/2016 7:54 AM|
|He has a point...|
|tedmich||12/19/2016 11:49 PM|
This guy (Pinto Ron) has drunk Bills Fans douse him in mustard and ketchup before every home game.
|tedmich||12/29/2016 7:59 PM|
|The Dude||12/29/2016 8:21 PM|
|That reminds of an ad I saw at one of the local music stores years ago. I was always going to call the number to see if it was a joke or an idiot. I never did, so I'm not sure. It read something like this:|
"Established local band looking for guitar player, drummer, and bass player......"
The ad followed with contact info and a few other details. I still laugh when I think of it.
|Chuck H||12/29/2016 9:40 PM|
|Memes are popular now. I thought these were funny:|
|big_teee||1/13/2017 4:52 PM|
|BEST LAWYER / INSURANCE STORY|
This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In
his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining
what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to
24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Awards contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA . . .
|Chuck H||1/13/2017 6:03 PM|
|Hey T, need a 'love this' tab. I'm probably not the exception, but I like that the insurance company and the lawyer both lost|
|Tom Phillips||1/13/2017 10:14 PM|
|Q: What do you call a room full of lawyers covered up to their necks in shit?|
A: Not enough shit.
|Enzo||1/13/2017 10:50 PM|
|What do you call three angry pit bulls attacking a lawyer?|
A good start.
|Chuck H||1/14/2017 5:29 AM|
|Why do lawyers always wear neckties?|
It keeps the foreskin from slipping up over their heads.
|überfuzz||1/16/2017 3:03 PM|
One of them says, damn it hot in here.
The other one replies, why do you just shut you mouth.
|big_teee||1/23/2017 8:04 PM|
|What do you call 500,000 lawyers on the bottom of the Sea?|
A DAMN GOOD START!
|big_teee||2/5/2017 1:43 PM|
|I'm always looking for clean simple corny jokes to tell my 3 grand kids.|
If you have any please post them.
Here's three I came up with lately.
When making a sandwich, don't forget the pickle?
Why, cause the pickle is a big Dill!
Where did the pencil go on vacation?
Why did the Blacksmith keep taking the anvil to AA?
Because the Anvil kept getting hammered!
Got more corny kid jokes, post them here.
|Chuck H||2/5/2017 4:30 PM|
|Well, back in post 37 I offered:|
Why don't sharks eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas (pronounced are can saw)
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9
Another one I like for kids is to tell them I have a great knock knock joke and then: "Ok, you start it."
The look on their wee faces is great while they work out what's going on.
It's best to follow with a real knock knock joke. I usually go with "Orange you glad I didn't say banana" (if you know that one).
|Enzo||2/5/2017 8:11 PM|
|If you want clean jokes for kids, just google "jokes for kids". Instantly more than you can ever tell.|
|Mark Hammer||2/6/2017 10:23 AM|
|45 years ago, I was offered a summer job as a student, working for a child development prof, whose research involved looking at children's linguistic knowledge, via jokes. As it turned out, the first paycheck was going to take too long to arrive for my landlord, so I regrettably had to pass on the job.|
Sample joke: A man walks into a restaurant and orders some soup. Waiter brings him a bowl of soup and the man asks "What kind of soup is this?" The waiter says "It's bean soup, sir". The man says "I don't want to know what it's been. I want to know what it is now."
|rjb||2/6/2017 12:20 PM|
|RE: Linguistic knowledge|
This one was hilarious back in third grade.
You have to say “pea green soup” after every question I ask.
What did you have for breakfast?
What did you have for lunch?
What did you have for dinner?
What did you do all night?
Some of the oldies don't work anymore.
Q: What's black and white and red (read) all over?
A: A newspaper.
Q: What's a newspaper?
Q: What's red and white on the outside and grey on the inside?
A: Campbell's cream of elephant soup.
|Enzo||2/6/2017 1:04 PM|
|Oh come on, that is still funny, everyone knows Campbells doesn't make Cream of Elephant in the Select Harvest series.|
Kids are great. Vaguely related then. My wife always carries a big bag of rubber duckies, and hands them out to kids (via parents) at restaurants, or stores or waiting rooms. Also gives one to the drive through at the bank - they have a long line in their window now. Locally she is known as the Duck Lady. Anyway, kids are super direct. The parents often trot the kid over to our table as they leave the restaurant for the forced "Thank you." But many times they say "Now what do you say to the lady?" Instead of thanks, the kids say things like "MINE!" or "I have a duck!" Or our favorite, "Can I get a different one?" The real fun is watching the parents horrified reactions, which we find hilarious.
|big_teee||2/6/2017 3:22 PM|
|What do you call a fake noodle?|
|Leo_Gnardo||2/6/2017 3:27 PM|
|What's a day without some coffee?|
|Enzo||2/6/2017 4:53 PM|
|We know the Rastafarians from Jamaica, they play Reggae music. Well now there are some new ones from Italy. They are the Pastafarians, and they play Ragu music.|
|Chuck H||2/6/2017 7:08 PM|
|What do you tell someone that takes your cheese?|
That's nacho cheese!
Why do people like bananas?
Because they have appeal (a peel).
What do you call a chicken coop with four doors instead of two?
A chicken sedan.
Why did the fireman cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chicken.
|rjb||2/6/2017 10:33 PM|
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To record an album with Van Morrison.
|Enzo||2/6/2017 11:07 PM|
|Why did the chicken cross the road? |
To show the possums it could be done.
|big_teee||2/6/2017 11:32 PM|
Revise that to, show the possums and armadillos, it can be done. and you got a winner.
|Mark Hammer||2/8/2017 9:22 AM|
|Just a note to mark the passing of "the world's foremost authority", and comedy legend, Professor Irwin Corey, at the untimely age of 102. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/07/a...es-at-102.html|
I was first introduced to him in 1966 or so, by a high school buddy whose dad had a recording of Corey live at the Playboy Club. My friend's dad was author Mordecai Richler's brother, so I gather they shared a similar sense of humour that liked to knock down pompous folks a few pegs. Corey had been doing the same shtick for decades prior to 1966, and decades since, but it never failed to get a laugh. You can find a great performance of his on the old Smothers Brothers show on Youtube. He was performing well into his 90s.
For me, Corey is right up there with Lord Buckley and Andy Kaufman.
|Tom Phillips||3/14/2017 7:15 PM|
|Once upon a time...|
|Mark Hammer||3/16/2017 7:55 AM|
|I may have posted this before, since it is an old classified ad that appeared in a local paper, but it's a keeper and a classic. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest apartments ever. Full, and I mean full, service.|
Let this be a warning to you kiddies: don't rely on spell-checkers too much...they don't catch everything.
|Mark Hammer||3/20/2017 8:35 AM|
|Understanding Engineers #1|
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both of these engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
|tedmich||4/7/2017 8:55 PM|
|I missed this first time around|
|dmartn149||4/15/2017 10:43 PM|
|I was going to start a thread for this, but it may belong here in the comedy thread1959 Fender Tweed Deluxe Wire - Bassman Super Champ 1958 57 | eBay|
|The Dude||4/17/2017 4:33 PM|
|Oh, good Lord!|
|mozz||4/17/2017 6:28 PM|
|He has a few more items up for sale.|
1951 Fender Telecaster Pickguard Screws - Esquire 1952 1953 | eBay
|tedmich||4/17/2017 8:10 PM|
Idea: feed old guitar into chipper and sell bits (set in lucite?) for $20 each!
With certificates of authenticity, of course.
|Tom Phillips||4/21/2017 11:07 AM|
|The longer I watched this guy the more I liked his presentation.|
I wonder if he would ever do a video about the tone of capacitors.
|tedmich||8/6/2017 9:17 AM|
|Report: South Korea Developing New Pop Group Capable Of Reaching U.S. - The Onion - America's Finest News Source|
Report: South Korea Developing New Pop Group Capable Of Reaching U.S.
|tedmich||8/6/2017 9:21 AM|
|Steve A.||8/11/2017 1:48 PM|
|■ Yosemite Sam's greatest hits, so to speak...|
For the scene starting around 1:54 the line "I ain't no namby pamby" had originally been "I ain't Mahatma Gandi"...
■ For fans of Foghorn Leghorn...
... and more from Volume 2:
■ Watch "TOP 10 BEST CLASSIC LOONEY TUNES CARTOONS OF ALL TIME COMPILATION [Cartoons for Children - HD]" on YouTube
■ Watch "The BEST BUGS BUNNY, DAFFY DUCK & PORKY PIG: Looney Tunes Merrie Melodies [Cartoons For Children HD]" on YouTube (264+ minutes!!!)
■ Watch "Road Runner & Wile E. Coyote 2014" on YouTube (commentary is in a foreign language but who cares?)
■ For fans of Popeye and Olive Oyl...
P.S. YouTube and Google sure don't forget things... For the first time *ever* in my life I did NOT click the button to "skip ad" when it became available because the ad for Purple Pillows looked interesting. Ever since the ads presented to me have all been for Purple Pillows and Purple Mattresses...
|Steve A.||9/7/2017 2:16 AM|
|This is something to think about when negative people|
are doing their best to rain on your parade…
Sadie was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband Hyman.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained Sadie,"not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who f****d up your hair?"
|Chuck H||9/9/2017 1:52 PM|
|Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.|
|Leo_Gnardo||10/29/2017 7:41 PM|
|Time for some Halloween entries. Meet "Blues Vader":|
|Chuck H||10/29/2017 8:24 PM|
|rjb||10/29/2017 8:32 PM|
|rjb||10/29/2017 8:42 PM|
|I guess anything with Marilyn Manson should count....|
|Leo_Gnardo||10/29/2017 10:25 PM|
|rjb||10/30/2017 12:27 AM|
silly symphony - the skeleton dance 1929 disney short
In the same vein, here's Oingo Boingo's cover of Cab Calloway's soundtrack to a surreal Betty Boop cartoon:
And a compilation of Cab's "St. Jame's Infirmary" and "Minnie the Moocher" with Betty:
Betty Boop, Cab Calloway and the Fleischer Brothers or Old Creepy Animations
EDIT: The full length "Snow White" and "Minnie the Moocher" cartoons are also on Youtube.
That's enough of that. I'm all booped out.
|Leo_Gnardo||10/30/2017 6:38 AM|
|Steve A.||11/18/2017 9:44 AM|
|There have been a lot of really great Bizarro comics but this one from 11/01 keeps cracking me up every time I think about it. We've all seen that image a million times in movies and TV shows but the caption kinda reminds me of the Bad Lip Reading videos as it is so ridiculous... |
|J M Fahey||11/18/2017 6:23 PM|
|tedmich||12/16/2017 9:49 PM|
"Used, Good Condition, BLOWN chassis, empty, all original. GREEN STRIPE with Reverb modification, dust covered.
Comes with blown chassis, reverb tank, fan, all knobs, all metal corner protectors, all 4 rubber feet, "Mesa Boogie" faceplate, equalizer.
NO tubes, NO speaker, power transformer blown."
|J M Fahey||12/17/2017 4:18 AM|
|I suspect that even when he states "blown condition" twice , plus "blown transformer", plus "no speaker", some blownbrain will buy it anyway and then complain "hey!!!!! it doesn't work!!!!"|
|Enzo||12/17/2017 6:31 AM|
|One year I ran the arcade at King's Dominion, a large theme park near Richmond, VA. I had over 100 various pinballs and video games. I had one little driving game that was broken waiting on some part. Had a steering wheel and gas pedal, you drove the car image around a track.|
I had a sheet of 8x11 paper taped over the coin slots, it said OUT OF ORDER on it. Even though that warning was taped over the coin slots, and the unplugged game was dark, nothing on the screen, the thing still made $25 a week consistently. They had to untape the sign, and lift it out of the way to insert their money.
That is 100 people a week, ignored the warning and managed to "buy" anyway.
Are you the manager?
That game took my money - it doesn;t work.
I know that, that is why I taped OUT OF ORDER over the coin slots.
|Tom Phillips||1/7/2018 8:57 AM|
|One Man's thoughts...|
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
She then said that’s what you did yesterday—to which I replied—I WASN’T DONE , SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW.
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
|Steve A.||1/23/2018 3:28 PM|
|Steve A.||1/23/2018 3:40 PM|
Thanks for posting it!
|Steve A.||1/25/2018 3:23 PM|
New law makes it legal for atheist doctors and nurses to refuse care…
by SP Team [The Science Post 01/19/2018]
JACKSON, MS – A new law in Mississippi has made it legal for doctors and nurses to refuse care to certain patients on religious grounds .
The law allows medical staff to refuse treatment to members of the LGBQT community on the grounds that it violates their religious beliefs. It would serve to reason this would also pertain to atheist doctors and nurses who could refuse to treat patients who are religious.
“No, no, no. This isn’t the point of the law at all,” said an angry senator Frank Danforth (R). “The law is supposed to protect doctors and nurses who follow the teachings of God and our Lord Jesus Christ from having to treat patients who practice an unholy lifestyle.”
Many doctors and nurses in Mississippi are against the law, but have expressed that they will also follow it to the letter and refuse treatment to patients who they feel are bigoted against certain lifestyle choices.
“Of course not all religious people are against LGBQT’s, just like not all atheists are against religion,” said Dr. Susan Jewer, atheist. “But if medical professionals are allowed to refuse care on religious grounds, I am more than happy to oblige.”
To date, there have been no reports of atheist doctors or nurses taking advantage of the new law.
|Tom Phillips||3/5/2018 10:12 PM|
|The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. |
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise." "Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain,'We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "Hi, I'm Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."
|Enzo||3/5/2018 10:34 PM|
|I proposed to my girlfriend recently. She accepted and told me now she could work on her "Honey Do" list. I told her, "Sure, and I can work on my "Can't Elope" list.|
|Enzo||3/6/2018 12:45 AM|
|I wrote that one myself, and Readers' Digest didn't want to print it...bastids...|
|J M Fahey||3/6/2018 5:16 AM|
You know, the same guy who burns 20 fuses in a row trying to make his blown amp work.
And then complains to Radio Shack: "hey!!! *ALL* of those fuses you sold me FAILED !!! "
|J M Fahey||3/6/2018 5:40 AM|
Blown chassis repeated twice, plus blown transformer makes me think that the board must look very much like what´s left of:
otherwise he would be asking $450 or $650, if you *just* had to replace PT and speaker.
In fact you are buying (it´s clearly stated) a "Mesa Boogie label" and "look Ma!! , it´s the GREEN STRIPE version!!, the one EVERYBODY raves about at My Les Paul Forum!!!!!
Somebody buying that is strictly buying "bragging rights" , all of his friends will envy him
I know a couple guys like that, one sold an excellent Acoustic Tube amp, their version of this very same one, to buy a harsh Valvestate something .... but hey!!! , it has the Magic Marshall label on it !!!!! which around here means a lot.
|Enzo||3/6/2018 1:36 PM|
|A friend of mine is a truck driver, and he was recently injured in an accident. He pulled out to avoid a child, fell off the couch, and broke his arm.|
|Steve A.||3/6/2018 9:26 PM|
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a prayer that was answered."
"Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "Hi, I'm Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."
|Steve A.||3/6/2018 10:00 PM|
A picture of the inside of the chassis might have better explained the mystery. Even if the chassis was completely empty that and the cabinet would be worth maybe $100 to someone building an amp from scratch. The picture did show knobs so I assume that at least part of the circuit board is there.
Like I said it might have been worth the drive to check it out and make an offer depending on what was found. Other than the Lone Star amps Mesa Boogie's are great but only if you rewire them into something good.
I had wanted a Maverick since 1998 and when I finally found a head for $600 I jumped on it, only to find that it really sucked. I rewired the normal channel as a Lone Star Special which really rocked and was ready to rewire the one trick pony OD channel to something really nice when health issues intervened... (OK, no laughing! I was going to put in the SLO mod I developed for my Crate V33 head which sounded better than any Soldano I've seen. I just used the good parts of the preamp and left the bullshit out. I just need to find all of my drawings and gut pix I had downloaded 8 or 9 years ago... Good luck!)
BTW I noticed that George Allesandro is or was selling printed circuit boards he pulled out of various Fender xxx Reverb reissue amps for something like $75... One heck of a good deal considering how much the full amps sell for.
|Enzo||3/6/2018 10:38 PM|
|When I see something like "blown chassis" I assume it is a layman trying to describe it. Chassis means the amp part to the guy, as opposed to teh cab and speaker, and blown is just a term meaning it doesn;t work. I had customers come in and complain their amp had "blown", and it needed a new 12AX7 in the preamp. Just as people outside of electronics call any wiring problem a "short". A wire breaks in their trailer lights, and they say the lights have a short in them. No point in telling them, "No, it is an open."|
I am guilty of this. On a solid state amp, if it blows fuses, I generically call it blown. I don't necessarily mean the output transistors are bad, just that the whole thing doesn't work. Not very technical but it speaks to the customer.
|Chuck H||3/7/2018 8:47 AM|
|What do cunnilingus and mob life have in common?|
|Enzo||3/7/2018 10:53 AM|
|Um, I'll try this one...|
They both are an offer you cannot refuse?
The lesser known sailor, Felatio Hornblower?
You want a tongue in cheeks answer?
Either is better than Aer Lingus?
Oh. that's enough...
|Chuck H||3/7/2018 11:28 AM|
|You got close with #3|
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep $hit.
|Enzo||3/7/2018 1:41 PM|
|Taint the first time...|
|Leo_Gnardo||3/13/2018 6:28 PM|
|I din't know whether to put it here, or in "Obscure 60's-70's Deep Tracks." Well the song in its original form was perhaps too much of a hit to be obscure, but in this form, well....... maybe not so much. And on a day when chaos seems to be the new normal, we need a reminder that in the long run, things will turn out to be much the same as they ever was. Without any more introductory remarks, here's a performer that needs no further introduction, you know him, you love him, here he is, the mighty Kermit!|
|Leo_Gnardo||4/4/2018 5:47 PM|
|Somehow this news tidbit slipped past the usual cornucopia of crap. Well just because it's a few days past April 1 we're not gonna ignore it:|
|The Dude||4/4/2018 6:06 PM|
|I planted a marshmallow tree years ago. It never did bloom. |
My pizza tree is doing well, though.
|Chuck H||4/4/2018 6:16 PM|
|"My teeth feel soft"... "Go away."|
|Leo_Gnardo||4/27/2018 10:53 AM|
|Today's big headline from BBC: ABBA back in the recording studio after a 35 year absence! |
Now... I'm sure this is a sort of big "so what" around these parts, but somebody might care. As far as news goes, it's a nice break from all the other daily disasters. What's old is new again, how you say that in Swedish?
|Chuck H||4/28/2018 6:38 PM|
|tedmich||4/28/2018 7:11 PM|
word is Murdoch himself called in to pull the plug on interview.
|tedmich||5/4/2018 9:01 PM|
|German workplace safety PSA |
Unbelievably gory and wacky!
|eschertron||5/4/2018 9:12 PM|
|I made it to the 5 minute mark... I work with people like Klaus|
|tedmich||5/4/2018 10:05 PM|
|rjb||5/29/2018 7:34 PM|
|Leo_Gnardo||6/3/2018 9:26 AM|
|Seeing as it's Sunday morning, in North America anyway, and how most of us are probably skipping out on any church-related activities, here's something that ought to amaze and amuse you. There was a mention in one of our non technical threads a few weeks back about the TV preachers who claim that "God Wants To Make You Rich - But Me First!" Trevor Noah (luv his accent!) brings on a guest to explain further:|
Enjoy! And don't forget, give - - - 'til it hurts!
|Steve A.||6/13/2018 12:36 PM|
|Gibson Burstbucker Display Case Original Case $9.99 + $10 s/h|
I have saved searches in eBay to notify me when certain items are listed. "Oh, boy! Someone is selling a Burstbucker today for $10!!!" Nope, just the display case... huh?!?
I have found the Gibson pickup display case lids to be very handy when using a small pry bar on the top of a guitar but I sure as heck am not going to pay $20 for one!
P.S. I guess $20 might be a good investment if you were to sell a counterfeit Burstbucker for, say, $100 but other than that...
|big_teee||6/16/2018 10:24 PM|
|Here's one I got on email from an old co-worker.|
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so
you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
|rjb||6/17/2018 1:24 AM|
But you've really got to work on that accent.
|big_teee||6/17/2018 8:18 AM|
|The Dude||6/19/2018 7:11 PM|
|A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40’s, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because it wasn’t far from the course, the waitresses were young, good looking, showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts.|
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
|big_teee||6/19/2018 9:07 PM|
A retired older couple returned to a Corvette dealership where the
salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a
beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply,
"Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised
the $85,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for
$72,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you
had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a
large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash
ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how
could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the
car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower
the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."
Once again ... don't mess with seniors.